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 Am I Gay?
Many gay men say that they 'just always knew' they were gay - right from as early as childhood. Others are not sure what they are - and maybe this is not surprising. After all, we live in a much more 'touchy-feely' society these days. Grown men hug their pals, and it is no longer frowned upon to hug your brother or your dad in public. So males, who in previous generations would have had no physical contact with other men, now have quite a lot. No wonder many feel confused.
As for me, I just didn't know. I was one of those drowning deep in the realm of confusion. I'd grown up assuming that I was straight, but when I was with women, it felt more like it was because I couldn't be with a man, than because I wanted to be with her. It was a very distressing period in my life and one that I kept very secret.
After a time though, I had to tell someone. I didn't know anyone who was gay, and to be honest, I didn't want to talk to a gay person. I wanted to talk to someone I knew. My family was out of the question. We were a close family, but we just didn't talk about that kind of stuff. So the obvious answer was to talk to my best guy friend.
He had no idea what to say at first. I was expecting that. But we talked for a good while. Always in hushed voices, even though we were alone. He had even less of an idea about how to tell if I was gay than I did. He figured that if you were gay, you just knew.
When I left his place, I felt no less confused, but much better about life in general. At least I wasn't suffering alone anymore. The next day, he called me up. He'd been to the library and had taken books out for me! That was so sweet of him!
I didn't have the courage to take out books about homosexuality from the library; I was awed that he did. He did it for me. Of course, the texts were out-dated and spoke mostly about homosexuality being a disease of the mind, or something that can be avoided or remedied, but still, the effort was there on his part. He was so supportive an caring.
When the time came that I was certain that I was gay, he was there for me. If our relationship was changed, it was only for the better. I couldn't ever have asked for a better friend.
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